park it in the sun

I'm different.

And I'm too different for my liking.

I'm not going to conform, because that would be so high school / middle school ish.

I'm going to move.

What a "jump off the cliff" move.

I want to loose myself in my own world and never come back.

God, is that okay?

I don't think it's okay.

Okay, I won't do it.

I love you.

At the library and I must say the university has done a good job on wasting money. There are two flat screens near the help desk area showing pictures of the library. Wasteful is just so shameful.

You need not do anything.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
You need not even listen, just wait.
You need not even wait,
just learn to be quiet, still and solitary.
And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked.
It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

Today was exciting simply because it's the 30th.
Something about the number 30 is exciting,
but 31is just a turn-on.

I need to stop fucking around, this year is the absolute last.
Next year, is going to be different.


That's the game plan.

I wanted to write a love letter,
but I had no one to write to.

An early night.

a
books
c
d
eggos (blueberry)
fruit
g
h
i
jane b.
kisses
l
m
n
o
pancakes
q
r
syrup
t
u
v
waffles
x
y
z

I am sitting still
I think of Angeline
Her mother's voice over me
And the bullets and the wall
Where it fell silent

And on a thousandth hill
I think of Albertine
There in her eyes
What i don't see
with my eye oh

Rwanda
Now that I have seen
I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you
In my own arms
I cannot let go till you are...

And I am on a plane
Across a distant sea
But I carry you in me
In the dust on... the dust on... the dust on... the dust on....
My feet

Rwanda
Now that I have seen
I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you
In my own arms
I cannot let go till you are...

I will tell the world
I will tell them where I've been
I will keep my word
I will tell them, Albertine

Rwanda
Now that I have seen
I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you
In my own arms
I cannot let go till you are...

And I am on a stage
A thousand eyes on me
I will tell them, Albertine
I will tell them, Albertine

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
In quietness and trust is your strength"
- Isaiah 30:15


And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed


Here I am at Your feet
in my brokenness complete


Honestly........ I shouldn't say honestly, because everything in this journal is honest thoughts. messed up, but honest.
i am a messed up person.
i am a messed up girl, to be more specific.
i f''d up a lot and i continue to f uppppppppp =)
i'm not happy or proud of it,
but honestly,
i don't want to grumble about it and complain either.
i just want to accept it for what it is
and continue walking and a talking
but on a different path
on a different way
towards a different destination

I was reading aloud from this novel and it went, "sometimes i wonder what it feels like to be you," and I tried to make the words mines. I tried. I failed. I don't care.

"Eugene, EUGENE!
How is it possible for the better team lose.
We didn't deserve to.
The voultures wouldn't get in.
And they went in to the finals.
So what's the whole point of living when life is so unfair and everything.
Just telling you this because you're the smartest person I know.
And if you don't give me one good reason to
keep living and what's the meaning of life,
I'm gonna do this."

Honestly,
Christmas is so overrated. Especially this year.

Do things simply on a whim.
Without weighing out the pro's and con's.
Love when you want to.
Trust when it seems right.
Live the life you want.
Don't act like a caged up bird.
The door was never locked.

Black Box Recorder is a fairy tale to yours ears.
Music orgasim in the most innocent way.

A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord.
Proverbs 19: 3

It's raining it's pouring, it's time to leave this hole.
The latest I'll be leaving is January 7th, 2009.
I just don't care enough to stay.
Cause honestly, I don't want this so I say NO! NO! N-O! N to the O! NO!

=)

"lie to me... lie to me...
make like you love me...
lie to me... lie to me...
ohh... oh... ohh.. ohhh.. "


I'm going to be fine.
I know it.

kekeeeeeeeeeeeee

I would wear them too if I could live as vicariously as you.
I did a whole shift of work.
I'm still at work.
I want to punch a wall.
Take a shower.
Sleep.
Cry.

I hate the feeling I get when I'm at work.

I'm not satisfied with my life.
I don't approve of all the people that are part of my life.
This calls for a change.
An evasive action must take place.
Must take people out, get stuff out of the clutter, de-clutterize, dust off some stuff, throw some stuff, donate stuff, you know the drill of a clean up!



I plan to prepare a bit before the new years.
It honestly feels like Christmas passed.
O well~

There really is no point to dote on all the lovely words of the Bible if you're not going to be changed by it.

I wrote a song yesterday. My first. I actually remember the melody so it's not a new song each time I sing it. It's cool.

This song makes being a bad ass so cool. Today was a lame lame lame day. Did absolutely nothing. Tomorrow, will start working and maybe hit Borders to study. Tre dull

Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.

Peter Pan

Peter, I wonder if you're truly happy.

Honestly, are you?

“What do you want then?”

“I don’t know.”

I WANT PASSION.

So I'm alive in love (I'm alive in love)
So I'm alive in love (I'm alive in love)
So I'm alive in love (I'm alive in love)
So I'm alive in love (I'm alive in love)

I feel so alive
I feel so alive tonight
I feel so alive
I feel so alive
You can't stop this feeling
I feel so alive
I feel so alive tonight
I feel so alive
I feel so alive
You can't stop this feeling
If love exists I WILL FALL

Last day of classes for the semester. Got out of math two hours early so came back to the apt. I'm excited because I have a secret that only I know. I hate coming back to the apt. Not hate, but I just don't like coming back to the apt. I always try to find a reason not to come back, but I always just come back. I want to take a drive somewhere with no destination because driving with a destination is not the same feel. Driving with a destination makes the drive a drag, tiering, and that is just not what I want. I want to live today.

I'm gonna scream, as if water is in my lungs
I'm gonna laugh, as if the whole world's crashing down
I'm gonna cry, as if the whole world loves me


Because anything and everything is impossible when you're not with me.

Goodnight, awesome 2008 Thanksgiving Break.
I give thanks to the future, present, and past.

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

Yay! We didn't go hit the meuseums today but Paul came down with Juliana :) We met and played at the playground eating and a talking. Now I'm on my way to pick up my brother and mom to head home with Lizal. Yayayayaya! Fun fun flawn. Today, what will the day bring?

.hollar thanksgiving break.

retreat was smashing =)
God's passion was re-discovered, met new and old faces, and it was revealed what was bothering me.
yesterday, before everyone split we went and ate at anj and bread factory.
i love small gatherings like this, with the right people.
today, i shall see my beefle have lunch, play, bake cookies, and watch TWILIGHT (yarg) and have an italy trip dinner meeting and whatever else that happens

"i love you yesterday, today, the same...." speak truth through matthew.

Your life is changed.

I'm sad.

No more.

Goodbye.

Picked up Chingooah for practicum and grabbed breakfest at Kings :) Too bad I couldn't eat it till lunch time. yarg. There was a Geography Bee at the elem. It was awesome. I had a lot of fun sitting in the audience. The winner was a student from my class. AWESOME BLOSSOM. I used the laminating machine too. I'm pretty cool. After practicum, dropped off Chingooah at her house and came back to the apt to take a nap. It was supposed to be from 4-530 but I knocked out till 630. Was mad and went to dispose of myself in the car and came late to the SG prayer. Had SG and then came back around 945. Wrote my Final Synthesis from 10-1145 with breaks in between. I AM FIN with that, but no where near done with anything else. The list keeps on growing. O YEA! My dream was nutso today. My class had a case of lice, ASDJAKSDJAKSDJASDa, so of course I kirked out but no where nearly as bad as last year. But it effected me enough to come into my dreams. Nastayyyy.

Chingooah, I cherish you.

GAME PLAN:

Sleep and wake up at 9 to work on

- my portfolio (pictures, description of classroom, and ... ?)
- edit text set #1 to new format

I set low expectations/ reasonable ones so that I don't feel like crap :D

Ill soon be slipping into dream world. I wish I had someone that loved me to play and work with at twilight. I know I have you and that should be enough, but you know my heart. Change it.

I'm finally going to do what I want before I do what I should do.
I'm going back to little grill to chill with friends.
I'm  going.
I'm running.
I'm hanging on.
I'm thriving.
I'm growing.
I'm changing.
I'm crying.
I'm laughing.
I'm hoping.
I'm believing.
I'm surviving.
I'm living.
I'm

I found a bug in my bed so I took it as a valid excuse to clean my bed, bug spray around my bed, and wash my sheets which led me to clean my bathroom. The bathtub was the hardest to clean which made me to learn a lesson. I will clean my bathroom and room on a weekly basis even if it doesn't look dirty because things build up and gets harder to clean.

I barely made a dent on my list of assignments, but I can't bring myself to start or finish an assignment till I finish cleaning my bed, which means I have to  wait for my sheets to dry. I have to wait to clean my room after I do my bed, which means I can't take a shower since I have to finish cleaning beforehand. And by then, I'll have to start cooking for dinner because Mayc is coming over. And by then, the day will be done and over with.

I need another Saturday. Monday will have to suffice for another Saturday, even if  I want to go to the soup kitchen. I'll work with what I get because I won't do what I really want to do. I'll never do what I really want to do and I only have myself to blame.

Hi Love,

I was in class from 9 till 5:15. The professor let us out 30 minutes early so that was awesome. The weather was rainy in the morning, but towards three the sun came out. It hurt to stare outside because it was so bright, Cathy saw my shudder each time I turned around to look outside. Had lunch with Anna today, and I still need to let go of my pride and selfishness. After school, I came home and tried to nap but I only fell asleep for five minutes and then Gracee called me. It was so good talking with her. It's been ages. After talking with her, Lizal and I walked to Anna's house to get some foil. Then we came back to the apt and  I put the ham in the oven. I prayed for it before I cut it opened. I prayed that this would be pleasing to God, that the people  who ate this ham would have a small glimpse of what it tastes like to eat at the tables of heaven.I hope that tonight at the Thanksgiving dinner, people come with the right mind set, with the right hearts. I hope above all, that tonight will be pleasing to God.

I tried to think about what I think about throughout the day. And I think I narrowed it down to me daydreaming or talking with God.

With tired eyes I go into the night, but I go with power.

Could we put all the superficiality aside and be honest with ourselves. There is a battle going on at hand, and by simply ignoring it, it won’t go away. There will be bloodshed, there will be tears, there will be pain, and there will be suffering. But don’t be discouraged. Because every ounce of blood, tear, pain, and suffering that is shed, it will be redeemed.

I will pursue you

I will fight for you

I will die for you

I will love you

Even if we have an unlimited amount of time together, it doesn't seem enough.

 

I'm so grouchy because I am so tired. It's weird because I took a nap a couple hours ago, but my eyes are ready to turn out for the night. I want to be productive, I don't want to sleep. I want to be able to read without feeling sleepy. It's been such a long time where I read a book where I really enjoyed and couldn't put it down. I'm so mad, and so sad inside that I want to cry out of frustration. But I'm not that frustrated- I'm not even  frustrated. It's just my eyes that are frustrated.

YAY! My eyes are starting to wake up. I guess they are going to play nice =] Maybe everything is just a mental thing. A lie that feeds your mind that'll change everything.

I will be the lighthouse in your sea
That's guiding you home
And I will be the lamp unto your feet
When you roam

Just cling to Me
And I'll set you free

I will be the light when the world is blinding out your sight
I'll be the light when it's all getting blurry and covering up your eyes
I will be the light
( If only you felt the same way, If only you didn't feel the same way )

( I won't cry if you leave. )</div>

Do I want a binded Alice in Wonderland,
                         or a unique paper copy ? ? ? !

I used to be afraid of being myself because I was worried that you might, one day, realize the  plain Jane that I truly am. That I'm not the carefree type of girl who walks around in her birthday suit with boots on and bold lipstick. But like I said, it's all in the used to be pile. If I can't be who  I am with you, without having the fear of loosing you, I'd rather loose you then loose myself. You see darling, without you, it might be really hard  to live without you. But you see, without myself, it would be impossible to live.

Debussy has an interesting set of tunes.
God, thank you for giving us  Clair De  Lune.


This has never happened before. I have to write a four to five page paper, and I am stuck with a full six pages. Where did I go wrong? Did I even answer the prompt. I can't wait till my professor reads it. I'm so confused and baffled by it I don't want to proof read it. But I should because I already caught one mistake. I fixed a word and changed it to addictive when it should have been addition.

We stood there together on top of the hill, and we stared at the bottom of the hill, but did not see. (Like how we can hear, but not listen) So we just stood  there with no exchange of words, until I was swept away by people that I knew. And then I stood there in the garage,hesitating to  go back  to you. But you were already  working, and I felt that I was too late to return to you. But I could sense the sadness that came  out of your heart and if I could only tell you that I felt the same way too.

But all too soon I woke up and decided that you weren't the one. And that even if you were the one, there couldn't be a chance that you were the one. And that if you were to tell me that you loved me, all I could say would be sorry. . . .

You know what it is that you want, you're just afraid to admit it because you're afraid of failing. Fuck that. Fuck your fear. You know what you want, which is a hell of a lot more than most other people, so don't be afraid or ashamed, just go out and get it.

This is for you, even though you may think it isn't.

By Calvin

The majority of people are borderline sociopaths who'd step over your corpse to get a better parking space, and yet they won't hesitate to pass howling judgment on you if you screw up in even the most minute, insignificant way.

Just one more reason to not screw up.

Ever.

By Calvin

I'm going to own a huge house, that will be filled with love, warmth, laughter, joy, peace, and killer interior design. And each holiday is going to be festive.

I'm going to travel the world and release parts of myself at each destination, walking away having gained more than I released.

I'm going to write, paint, draw, read, explore, enjoy life daily and break down everything I created in peaceful harmony.

I'm going to live a life of love, warmth, laughter, joy, and peace.

I will have a "Beauty and  the Beast" library.

I will have a killer wardrobe with matching shoes, bags, and accessories.

I will have a family of my own who will truly love one another and live a life of love, where their foundation will be Christ centered.



I will fly.



I will be set free.

I wake up to a dream. A dream where I can do anything, be anything, and not get hurt, for it is only just a dream. A dream that'll last only for so long. Then I will wake up to realize that it was only just a dream.

thank you for your mercy

thank you for not giving up on me

it might be a pain, but the results are awesome :)

must get a vogue and vanity fair
must get off of cloud and do something with my life
i'll leave all the homework for tomorrow

$2000 charged to my sister's cc.
ITALY FOR SPRINGBREAK 2009! 
foshhhhhaaaa ;D
it's a complete homerun.
rome,  florence, venice  babybybybybybbybybybyb

uncreative.
boring.
why do it at all?
i love you chingooah
no matter what my heart or mind says
i love you always and forever

weekend starts now :)

Love you always, Ashbaby.
Thanks for so much.